Baby steps

I read a quote recently that has really stuck with me. Well, perhaps maybe not quite so much because not only can I not remember the exact quote, but I can't remember who wrote it. However, that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it. To paraphrase, "All you really need to do to get good at something is tolerate being bad at it for a few years."

Pithy, isn't it? The more I think about it, the more it resonates. And the more I think about it! Many of my family members are musical, so I know there's a natural inclination there. However, I've tried twice in my life to learn how to play the guitar, and have pretty much given it up. I even received a beautiful little guitar as a gift from my dad, because he knew I wanted to learn. After about six months each time, I decided guitar was not for me, and focused my energy elsewhere. Mostly, my fingers hurt and the chords confused me, since guitar tabs are not like the piano and vocal music I'm familiar with. I figured I'd rather spend the time and energy getting better at something I know and love - the piano - than learn something new. Does this mean I didn't really want to learn how to play the guitar? I know it's not too late, but...but there's always a but.

(Heh, I said but. Three times.)

A new friend of mine and a blogger I've been reading for ages have each recently talked about running. One (from what I gather) hasn't run in a while and might get back into it, and the other talks frankly about her journey from non-runner to ultra trail-runner in five years. For those of you who know me, you know I don't like running. Truly. Just ask my husband. He will tell you about the glares and snarls and snarky comments. To me, it is a miserable experience. I've never been able to find a groove, and it's never been something I've been good at, but that doesn't keep me from trying every now and then. I suppose you could say I don't have good stick-to-it-iveness. I like the IDEA of running. I've run a few 5ks and 10ks, so I know it's something I can do, and I know the more I do it the better I get. But...but there's always a but.

(Heh, I said but again.)

So here I am, at the fattest and heaviest and most out-of-shape I've ever been in my entire life. There are many reasons for this, and whenever I think about them I get somewhat overwhelmed and ashamed, and also a little justified. Some of those reasons really are lame-o excuses, and some are the realities of my life making it difficult to get into ANY sort of routine, much less one I don't particularly find enjoyable. It's not just about running, though. I haven't found any sort of exercise regimen that I love or can stick with, and I know 100% it is mind over matter. I know myself well enough to be confident that whatever I choose must be enjoyable - or have the prospect of it. That's probably why I keep trying to "be a runner." I know I could be proud of my body and the distances I push myself to cover and the pace I can maintain, and I should be proud NO MATTER WHAT those distances and paces are. But I have been in a bit of a downward spiral. The more weight I gain, the less I want to do anything. My clothes don't fit as well and aren't as flattering (I know, it's vanity, but if I can't feel good and look good in all the super-cool gear is part of the point and motivation for me), and the extra weight makes it more difficult for me to exercise. And every time I slide back, it's just another little ego slap. It's not about looks, although I'm not gonna lie, that's a part of it. It's about my physical and mental health. I've got some very well-meaning friends and acquaintances, and a terrific and loving husband who compliment me on my appearance. Which is naturally, of course, great. But when I compare myself to where I have been, and where I feel I should be, and where I know I could be, I feel bad about myself. Some days I still feel great, and others not so much.

All of this to say, I'm going to do better, try harder. Maybe a little bit harder, maybe a lot, but I am making a conscious effort not to make excuses for myself any more, and find some things to do that will both challenge me and make me happy. Not just happy-I'm-done-with-that-torturous-workout or activity, but happy to be doing it. I've got a bunch of ideas, and I am promising myself not to overdo it right out of the gate or off the blocks (pick whichever metaphor you like best), because that would likely lead to another backslide.

I'm putting this out there in the world, publicly, which of course will make it harder to ignore and screw up. Here's to positive peer pressure!

Also, maybe I should practice eating and drinking all the yummy Italian foods in moderation. That might also help. ;)